Horoscopes (written when I was a young asshole)

(We kept these up on my fridge for years. I've never printed them, but I think they are a compliment to your friend's output.)

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 Feb 18) You have an inventive mind, inclined to be progressive. You’re a big fucking deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make mistakes
repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you’re being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a fucking coward. Pisces people screw rodents and pick their noses a lot.
ARIES (Mar 21 — Apr 19) You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick—tempered, impatient, and
scornful of advice. You are a fucking prick.
TAURUS (Apr: 20 — May 20) You are practical and
persistent. You have a dogged imagination and work like hell. Most people think you’re stubborn and a bull—headed son of a bitch. You are a fucking communist.
GEMINI (May 21 — June 20) You’re a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you love sex with reptiles. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. You are very notorious and thrive on incest.
CANCER (June 21 — July 22) You’re sympathetic and
understanding of other people’s problems. They think you’re a sucker. You’re always putting things off. That’s why you’ll always be on welfare and won’t be worth a fucking shit.
LEO (July 23 — Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you’re a pussy. Most Leos are
bullies. You’re vain and can’t tolerate honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO (Aug 23 — Sept 22) You are very logical and hate disorder. This nit—picking is sickening to your
friends; you’re cold and unemotional and often fall asleep screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sept 23 — Oct 22) You’re quick—witted and artistic and have a difficult time with reality. If you’re a male, you’re probably into fucking feet. Changes of prestigious employment and monetary gain are not good. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 — Nov 21) You are a shrew in business and cannot be trusted. You’ll achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You’re a perfect son of a bitch. Scorpios get murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 — Oct 21) You’re optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no fucking talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN (Nov 22 — Jan 19) You’re conservative and afraid of taking the right course. You’re basically a chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. You should kill yourself; you dumb fucker.